Bring out yer dead

Thanks for checking in on me, United Nation. I haven't been very actively blogging these past few months, but I'm not dead yet. And if I were, would you stop sending out your spam my way?

Many of you will have noticed the title of this post is a line from a well-known Monty Python movie — and you may well have been lured to this page by it, who knows. Fear not, I will not leave your expectations unfulfilled. This video clip should make your visit worth it. Here's the scene from Monty Python and The Holy Grail. Oh, and it's OK if you've already got one, you can still watch it.

Redundant objects

This post has very little to do with spam, but I couldn't possibly let this news pass without a comment.

Fans of Kaamelott (a French parodic series about the knights of the round table, which I already mentioned here) certainly remember the series of episodes named Unagi, in which Perceval and Caradoc come up with new fighting techniques. In Unagi IV, the two knights explain to King Arthur that they are perfecting a new technique that makes use of objects found in their immediate environment – which usually is the local tavern. The trick, they say, is to look for "redundant" objects (they really mean "objets contondants" in French, i.e. blunt instruments). In this hilarious episode, you can see them train with such improbable weapons as loaves of bread, a fennel bulb, dry sausage links, a recorder, a hair brush and leeks. Watch it here.

Who knew their technique would be so effective against wild animals in real life?

Mont. woman fends off bear attack with zucchini

Read this story for details of how the 200-pound black bear ran away from a 12-inch zucchini! Now, if the story proves that zucchini are "redundant", it does not reveal which end the woman was holding (does a zucchini even have a "sporadic" end??), and whether she made "perimetric" use of it, or if she actually developed her own technique...

Relevance

Relevance is what makes people notice you, isn't it? Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for us), spammers don't seem to have gotten the memo yet.

I'm always amazed, as I skim through my spam folder, at the lack of variety in the "topics" broached by spam messages. Maybe one day I should take a little statistical snapshot of my spam folder and look at the proportion of messages about male enhancement pills, bank loans, improbable lottery draws or luxury watches compared to the rest.

I honestly don't understand how people can still fall for those (even if the suckers amount to less than 1%). I am convinced that spammers would fare better if they tapped into less hackneyed, more "relevant" topics. By relevant, I don't mean something narrowly targeted that really resonates with few people and leaves the rest of the crowd indifferent (although that could be an option too). I understand that spammers want to cast as wide a net as possible. For that net to be more effective, I'd suggest using highly visible sporting events as bait, or at least something that catches the eye because it is currently making the news (an election, a natural phenomenon, even a major software release or a celebrity's wedding).

The media was all about the FIFA World Cup last month, and I only got one spam message acknowledging it. The message was sent to me in BCC, the main addressee being some soccer club in France. I received it on the day of the final game, with the following subject line:

alors qu'en penses tu du resultat de la coupe?
(so what do you think of the results of the cup?)

Now wasn't that cleverly done? Wouldn't you be more inclined to click on a message whose subject line is "Get 20% off original price at Tour de France winner's pharmacy" rather than "Get 20% off original price at our online pharmacy"? I believe you would if you received it today, because it is relevant in summer time, when the Tour de France is on. You probably wouldn't notice it as much in the winter, where you'd be more attuned to winter Olympics news or holiday shopping discounts and special offers.

Potpourri

Don't you love it when spammers try new tricks? The following emails stood out among the usual ones about male enhancement pills or winning lottery tickets that make up the bulk of my spam folder these days: Surely spammers couldn't care less if they passed for name-dropping poseurs? Yet they didn't even bother signaling the quotations as such, let alone giving their sources. So I thought I would.

"Tis past that melancholy dream"

from "I Travelled Among Unknown Men" by William Wordsworth, first published in 1807.

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"And your head so large doth grow"

from "The Courtship of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo" by Edward Lear, first published in 1877.

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"Hither come thou back straightway"
"He is come to claim his right"

both from "The Horn of Egremont Castle" by William Wordsworth, first published in 1807.

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"Still she weeps and daily moans"

from "The Courtship of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo" by Edward Lear again.

"In a beautiful pea green boat"

from "The Owl and the Pussy Cat" by Edward Lear, first published in 1871.

This literary hodgepodge is nothing more than lipstick on a pig, but I am somewhat grateful to my spammer friends for giving me the chance to actually read the poems they borrowed from. I am also amused to see how poetry has its place in insensitive mass communication (although apparently you have to either be Wordsworth or Lear to get such massive exposure).

I guess my soul didn't get transported (or confused) enough to let my earthly fingers click on the links at the end of these messages. This potpourri (which literally means "rotten pot" in French) didn't bode too well...